The Voice In My Head

As I begin to peel my eyelids one from another, I can see the sunshine cascading through the window much in the way that a great song floods your heart with emotion. I think to myself, “Today is going to be a beautiful day”. Just then as I turn my head toward the edge of the bed and slowly start to sit up, there’s that voice….that brutally honest voice of reality that I despise with a passion saying “You can’t do this!” In an attempt to ignore the voice, I reach to turn off my oxygen machine and swing my legs around to stand on the floor. As I feel my feet land on the carpet, I also feel my legs begin to tremble and my knees buckle. My head starts to spin and I reach for the bed to steady my stance and remain transfixed for several seconds. In my mind, I yell to the voice, “Today is going to be a beautiful day!” and from my statuesque position, I slowly place one foot in front of the other until my stride carries me ever so slowly from one room to another.

 Thank God it’s only a matter of a few steps from the bed to the bathroom. I could sure use a place to sit and rest right about now. I go about my business and all the while, the voice keeps trying to get my unwanted attention. I dry my face and hands and mumble under my breath, “Today is going to be a beautiful day!”

Now for some caffeine! Once again as I steady my legs, I begin to shuffle one foot after another and make my way to the kitchen. Whoever thought of putting handrails on a staircase was pure genius, however as I  lift one leg to step down, I hear that voice again: “You can’t do this!”  At the same time, the other leg lets me know that the strength simply is not there to support all of my weight so I sit on my behind and slide down the steps much as children like to do when they play. Too bad the pain reminds me that it’s not fun and games or I could grow to like this. I just try to block it out and remind myself again that “Today is going to be a beautiful day!”

The coffee is hot and floods my senses with a feeling of warmth and safety. Sitting in the chair at the kitchen table, I can hear the birds chirping outside. Nothing like the sound of nature in the silence to bring a smile to my face and remind me that I’m alive. In an effort to visually inhale the morning beauty, I stand, take 3 steps and reach to open the back door. As I step onto the porch, I find myself looking at the chair as if it were 100 miles away. I hear the voice scream to me, “You can’t do this!” My shaking legs take the 5 steps and my body falls into the chair with the dead weight of a corpse.

It only takes a split second, however, for the sights and sounds of the trees blowing in the wind to take my mind away from the pain and the weakness. as I watch the smooth and airy flight of the butterfies lighting gently from one wildflower to another on the edge of the woods in the back and I proceed to  ask myself my daily question:  “What will you do to give back today?”

This is what I’m giving back today: A journey through approximately the first hour of my day….a glimpse into my daily morning routine. Not much of a way to give back, you say? I beg to differ.

 How many times in that first hour did I have to  battle the sypmtoms of my disease just to perform simple tasks that most people take for granted each day? By the end of that hour, most people could be showered, fed and ready to go. When the hour closes the only place I’m ready to go is back to bed.

Are you one of the fortunate ones who doesn’t have to think about every move you make and every ounce of energy that you use? My gift today is to try and make you see how fortunate we all are. We all have our struggles; I don’t care who you are or where you’re from, life is not perfect. Just remember to stop and take time to smell the roses as they say. Give thanks to your higher power for the many blessings that you DO have in your life. Always love and respect yourself as well as others for who and what you are and be kind and tolerant of one another’s needs. Love one another and never take one single moment you have for granted as it can be taken as quickly as it was given. Cherish your life for what it is and learn to be realistic and to  listen to that ‘voice’ in your head sometimes for we all have our limitations. Sometimes the voice really does look out for our best interest. I guess it all balances out in the end.  Just remember that common sense comes from the mind, but every thing else must be felt with the heart.

Much love and blessings!

I’m Not Ready for Morning Yet

Another day.  I’m thankful I woke to see it. Wait, what am I talking about ‘woke’…..I don’t think I ever really slept!

I’ve had a very sick little one at home to care for over the past week and no one to help with her. Can you say exhausted? I made it to the bed last night and collapsed. I felt so drained I believed sleep would come easy. Why do I try to fool myself like that?  I know those are the nights when rest simply won’t come. The pain is far too severe and it keeps my mind racing so I can’t turn it off long enough to dose.  I lay in the bed and rocked most of the night until the wee hours of the morning.  Just before time for the alarm to go off, I finally dosed off.

When I woke, I realized that little bit was still in the bed!  Hubby was going to get her up and get her ready for her first day back at school after being so ill, but his alarm didn’t go off on time and he overslept.  He decided to let her sleep so as not to make himself run late for work. You know what that means, don’t you? When I finally got up, it was rush around and get her ready and then drive her to school and sign her in late.  I would have just kept her home again the way I was feeling, but when I opened her door to wake her, she was sitting in her bed crying her little eyes out because she missed another day of school. That broke my heart, so I pushed myself and ran around the house like a mad woman on a mission, then out the door we went. I was so dizzy on the drive over there that I just prayed that I would make it there and back safely.

I’m now home and so need to go to bed, but there are things to do that only I can do today.   Tonight will be a night of heavy medication for sure. The body can only go so long without re~energizing and I think mine has reached it’s limit.

I try to play the hand I was dealt the best I can day to day, but today is one of those days when I seriously wonder…..just how much can I take? This is no life!  Regardless, it will go on for the remainder of my time here and I suppose I will keep pushing on and trying to be greatful for what I do have.  That’s the only thing that gets me through in times like these….counting my blessing what few there are……..

Sometimes I Really Miss Me!

May is Lupus Awareness Month!   I recently signed up for the Lupus Walk Now in Lexington in August of this year and I’m getting psyched about it!   This will be my first walk for the cause, although I’m sure I won’t be ‘walking’ it…..more like rolling!   Either way, I will be there.

I’ve actually taken on a few new things lately; this blog being on of them.   In doing so, it has become very apparent to me that my mind is not at all what it used to be.   As you all know, I am computer illiterate.   It has only been in the past couple of years that I have even known how to use a computer.    I did work with computers when I was younger and did office work in and out of high school, but they were quite different than the computers of today.   At any rate, I’m learning as I go, and finding it to be quite a daunting task.

There was a time when I was a fairly inteligent person.   All my life, learning came easy and I could grasp things pretty quickly.  Those days are long gone now however. I am having trouble retaining and storing information.  I have no sense of concentration and in order to fully comprehend what it is I am trying to learn, it takes several go arounds before it makes enough sense that I will remember it. With most things, in time I get it. There are some however that I must simply walk away from admitting that it beat me. I hate that! I have never liked for anything to get the best of me and would fight until I succeeded. I don’t know exactly what is causing these sypmtoms, but I know they are getting progressively worse as time goes on. It scares me…the thought of losing my mind one day. I don’t know that I would want to live that way.  I remember taking care of my Mother after her stroke and she was such a different person. All I could think was that my Mother wasn’t even in there anymore and it hurt. I don’t want to be that way.

Last night I was on Skype with a couple of dear friends and everyone was talking and surfing the web….except me. I couldn’t do both at the same time. One or the other, but not both. When did I lose the ability to multitask? I used to be so good at it!  This disease has completely turned my world upside down and turned me into someone I’m not. It does that to you….moves in and takes control. I don’t like not being in control.

Today was an especially long day. The baby was really sick yesterday which drained every ounce of energy I could muster up, and today there was nothing. I simply had no spoons. Hopefully tonight will bring some rest and tomorrow will look brighter…..

“Health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die”

“Health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die”…….I read that somewhere. I suppose it’s true as we’re all going to die one day. I really wonder sometimes though what type of person you have to be to remain healthy. Is it just for the elite? For one race or another? Why are some born healthy while others like myself seem to struggle at every turn just to stay alive?

I get so sick and tired of being sick and tired. As most of you know, I have a heart condition that slows my heart rate to the point where a lot of times, it just doesn’t want to continue to beat. Talk about a zap to the energy level! Like I’m not weak enough most times? Doc put me on new meds to control my blood pressure, which in turn have brought the heart rate up some, but not enough. I have had uncontrolled blood pressure for so many years now, that it has damaged and enlarged my heart. Oh, and what a kicker this one was…..I learned that the medication I had been on for my blood pressure for the past 10 years [that didn't help!] also causes lung damage. Great! Another reason for the COPD, I guess. Like the Lupus doesn’t do enough damage on it’s own. I must say however, that I am enjoying the oxygen at night. It’s nice to lay down and feel like I can catch my breath for a change. Now if this rib that I broke a couple of weeks ago would just heal, maybe I could get a DEEP breath…..

I remember when I was in high school, there was a girl whose Mother was dying of cancer. Her husband loved her so much and they had shared a long happy married life together. This couple happened to have money, which the husband spent lavishly on his wife, especially when they learned that she was dying. He went out a bought her everything she could ever want, then turns to her and asks what else he can get to make her happy. Her only repsonse was, “my health”. He soon learned that all the money in the world can’t buy true happiness as he watched his wife wither away.

Those of you who have your health, know what a blessing it is! To be able to wake each day and do what you need and want to do without hesitation because you know the energy will be there to carry you through and the pain won’t be there to stop you. It’s a whole different world to wake and wonder what, if anything, you can get accomplished that day. Just getting your body out of bed is a task in itself that takes every ounce of energy you have. Each step of beginning a new day is a chore.

For those of you who don’t have to start your day this way, wake each morning and be thankful that you are ABLE to get out of bed without pain and exhaustion. Count your blessings when you are able to go to work or go out for lunch or go shopping. These are things most humans do on a daily basis and never give it a  thought. You just do it. Be glad you are healthy enough to ‘do it’. I hate to see people taking for granted something that can be taken just as quickly as it was given…..and believe me, it can. In the twinkling of an eye, your whole life as you know it can change, turning your world upside down and leaving you wondering if it’s even worth it to try anymore. Just something to think about…..

I wish you all peace, love, light and most of all….good health!

Sometimes you just have to pay the piper……..

Saturday, I woke up to what was supposed to be rain to instead a beautiful, warm sunshiny day with the gentlest of breezes. How long had it been since I had been out? I couldn’t even remember, so I decided today was the day. I got out of bed around 8 am and hubby and I started making plans for our outting. By the time I was ready to go, it was 1 pm. By that time, I was ready for a nap, but I pushed on.  We got out and did some needed shopping, then we went out for dinner with my Dad and back to his house for a couple of hours. By the time I reached my Dad’s the pain was beginning to get unbearable. I was weak and dizzy and probably not the best company. I would soon realize that much to my surprise, my outting was not over yet. 

There is something I have wanted to do for years now. I have always wanted to get a tattoo! I decided long ago what kind I wanted, but out of respect for others, I never went through with getting it. Recently I have come to realize that I am ME, not anyone else, and it’s time to make ME happy. So, on the way home that night from my Dad’s, I stopped into a local tattoo shop and got a tattoo!  I never thought it would ever become a reality! I love it and I’m so glad I did it. Everyone keeps asking me if I’m getting another one. I hear it can be quite addictive!

So, I had a great, albeit exhausting day on Saturday. I knew what would be ahead of me on Sunday, but sometimes you need something so badly that you throw caution to the wind and as a result, you have to pay the piper.

Needless to say, Sunday was a very slow and painful day and I got very little accomplished, but it was worth getting out and feeling alive again. Now I have another day of memories made…..

Welcome to Life in the Slow Lane

     Well, here I am. I’ve been saying  for some time that I was going to do this and now…..here I am.

     Let me introduce myself. My name is Tina Sickinger and I am 48 years old. I am married to my best friend, have two beautiful daughters, three grandchildren and a dog.  I suppose I have a typical life like all of you with a grand mixture of emotions;  happiness, joy, love, sadness, pain, anger, just to mention a few.  Along with the chaos that are my feelings, I also have Lupus.

     Those of you who know me, know that I am overall a very happy person and I love with every fibre of my being. I try to look on the bright side whenever possible and have faith that no matter what I’m facing,  God will see me through.  There are those times however, when I just don’t feel like being strong.  Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the flood of emotions and need somewhere to turn.  Life in the Slow Lane will take you to that part of my journey that not many see.  This is my time to vent, to cry, to get angry and release that negative side of my personality.  I will of course, be sharing my joys and triumphs and not just the downside of my life, but here you will be able to see the complete me; good and bad, happy and sad, highs and lows.

     I am inviting you all to join me in Life in the Slow Lane…..ride along and share in this glorious thing called life as we get to know one another better and support each other along our journey. Just keep in mind, it is a slow ride. I take time to smell the roses……<3